I had been wary that he was in it for some kind of joke or bet because he was a year ahead of me, and I think I was partially right, but his seemingly genuine interest in me made me trust him and so I didn't know what to think after the assault. I was so mad and upset, and he acted like he didn't understand why. He stole my virginity by intimidation, manipulation, force, and fear. We hadn't been dating even five months before he made it to home base. I was sure he loved me. However, at the time, I didn't think of it as rape. I never planned on having sex—or doing anything beyond kissing—before getting married.
I'm actually surprised I lasted that long, or at least shocked he didn't physically force it before then. I had no basis for comparison. I was sure I loved him. I was practically raised in the capital of the Bible Belt, a small town in southern Tennessee. Nobody knew what was happening, and frankly, I didn't want anyone to know. I had been wary that he was in it for some kind of joke or bet because he was a year ahead of me, and I think I was partially right, but his seemingly genuine interest in me made me trust him and so I didn't know what to think after the assault. He seemed okay with it, but he didn't want to wait forever. After that, I tried to give in quicker. Most people think kissing isn't a big deal, but to me, it was. When he assaulted me, I saw a side of him that I didn't know existed. He stole my virginity by intimidation, manipulation, force, and fear. I was sure he loved me. I was uneducated in the topic. He kept pressuring me until finally I gave in and touched him a few weeks later, but I still wasn't comfortable with him touching me. That was the first time he really raped me—the first time that I feel I was raped by my own definition. But again, I didn't move quite fast enough. I wanted to earn my white wedding gown, and he knew it; he even agreed with me in the beginning. However, at the time, I didn't think of it as rape. It sounds crazy and lame, but at 15, I wasn't ready for my first kiss. Sexual assault I never thought it would happen to me. He was my first serious relationship. He had seemed nice for the most part. When I finally performed oral sex maybe a month after the assault, I didn't want to actually make him finish and when I tried to stop, he made me keep going until he had. All I wanted was to be a good girlfriend and for him to be happy. I was thinking along the lines of physically pinning me down and physically forcing me. I tried to get away from him, but he had his arm around me and was holding me to him.
Video about my first sex with my boyfriend:
My First Time Having Sex at College
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