Desperate for answers, I started scrolling through an online forum for women with ADHD, wondering if I might have an attention disorder, looking for an explanation. I gradually pulled the blame away from myself and labeled the things about me that were naturally different, not defective. I settled temporarily in a bustling beach town at the edge of Melbourne and needed money to pay off my student debt. I made enough tonight. Why can I give so much of myself to my customers and so little to my friends?
I bantered for hours — something I was never able to do before. My weirdness was worth their paycheck. We grumbled about how slow business was until I spotted a paunchy man at the bar. I let out a sigh of relief as the taxi plowed across the Williamsburg Bridge. He was also more animated than the others. I sat at the bar to observe, sipping my free champagne. So, I led him into the corner, which opened up to the club like the bow of a ship, public and safe, for one quick dance. Can I get you another one? I just needed to try harder to be more present, I told myself. Are they relaying problems in their life without buying a dance first? He waited outside with me until Sarah pulled up in a rideshare. That conversation lasted minutes, but the advice made for a successful career. His words mixed in with the background conversation and it sounded like another language. A second later the words clicked. I thought about packing up and never coming back, but I needed this to work out. I walked under the familiar lights to the dressing room. The manager looked at my petite frame and nervous smile, pointed her manicured hand to the dressing room and listed the rules: I took a deep breath and resisted pretending to listen and asked: But in the private rooms at the club, there were no outside stimuli. Central to autism is a difficulty experiencing life in real time. The possibilities of the night unrolled in front of me and I intended to savor them. I broke out in sweat. I prayed no one would ask me personal questions. There was vast, dormant space to grow into beyond my work persona. Performing felt strangely comfortable, even though the job was foreign and challenging. After two hours, I excused myself for a moment to go to a bathroom where I got a message from Sarah: You sound like a child.
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