The demands of our life also mean there is absolutely no slack. That pressure to appear sexy was monumental, and meant being, at the very least, orgasmic. My elder children are 13 and 16 so I know that all these things do finally pass. Never mind that I very rarely got there. Of course, through all this conception and pregnancy, my body does not always work as I want it to. Performance and looking sexy was irrelevant when my mind, in his hands, had become sex itself. Our feet are pressed hard on the accelerators of work. And sex when conception is a possibility is different from regular shagging.
Sometimes I sit on the sofa as the kids come in, each with their own version of breaking news that needs my absolute attention, and feel as flat as a piece of paper. This makes me happier, and generally when I am happy, sex is better, more generous, more uninhibited. The consolation is love, if you can hold on to it. I knew my sexual power as a year-old — how funny and how silly it was to watch grown-up men shake with a shrug of my adolescent shoulder. I have never really planned any pregnancy, but none of this was accidental, either. The subterfuge I went through, making myself come, alone, in the bathroom after his main event was over, now seems insane. It can be lethal. Seven years later I am now 41 and, oh, the sex is still fantastic. But my fear is that by then another life test will rear up oh menopause I hear you galloping up behind me and right now I want more sex. I want a lot more than my life gives me at the moment. And sex when conception is a possibility is different from regular shagging. And we have five children — two teenagers from my first marriage, then three more, who are now four, two and six months. That power sometimes felt great, but suddenly realising it as a teenage girl is like putting a child in a car and expecting that child to drive along a motorway. I want more sex, more than my life gives me at the moment Clover Stroud I met the man who is now my second husband when I was 34, and I knew instantly there was something different about how desire could feel and sex might be with him, because of my overriding desire to listen to his voice. Our feet are pressed hard on the accelerators of work. Performance and looking sexy was irrelevant when my mind, in his hands, had become sex itself. It seems exhausting and messy and unnecessary when you contemplate it, but then you get started and suddenly you want to move into the attic and lock the door and just lie there naked all the time. My elder children are 13 and 16 so I know that all these things do finally pass. A shrink helped me unravel the muddle in my head that I had got into around always hoping to please while also being in control. Of course, I also wanted to lick every drop of sweat from his body, but it started when we talked. Most of us who want children at this age will have had to manage some degree of disappointment or sadness. I am strong and hungry. Getting back to it after another baby is born sometimes feels like clearing out the attic. Then I finally understood that when really I let go, my pleasure and power would increase. The demands of our life also mean there is absolutely no slack. Miscarriage and postnatal depression hurt a lot, but so does the uncertainty of IVF or traumatic childbirth, for example. I was adept at faking as that made the man I was having sex with happy.
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